The African Animal Year Book was just published and there was much snorting and stomping, ripping and roaring to see who won what. Here’s a sneak peak:
1. LEAST VAIN
Warthog
The French have a word for it – jolie-laide – someone who’s ugly in a way that makes them attractive. So, too the warthog. On the downside, his head is huge and his butt is bitty, so he looks off-kilter, like his head is about to land in mud. But, hey, he comes from the pig family. And those four big warts on his head? They’re a defensive measure – fat reserves in a fight. Sure, he’s got an uncombed black mane half-way down his back, razor sharp twin tusks and body-hair like a bad five o’clock shadow. But we love him, warts and all, because he’s just not that into himself.
PHOTO COURTESY OF DARREN SWIM
The ZebraZebras must read Vogue. One of the fashion magazine’s editors used to say, “All you need in your wardrobe is black, white and red.” (Two out of three isn’t bad.) Zebras may look like they’re serving time – but prison garb drew inspiration from them, not the other way around. Another vice-versa: Is the kinetic zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes? If you guessed white because of their ivory underbellies, you’d be wrong. Zebras are socialized creatures living in herds and harems, loving Facebook and Twitter. When danger threatens, they close ranks, causing predators to suffer motion dazzle from the pin-wheeling stripes. We just find them dazzling.
3. CLASS CLOWN
The Shoebill
Ornithologists rank the Shoebill one of the five most desirable birds in Africa, but its classmates rank it as the funniest, and a bit rank at that, living as it does in swampy areas. Five feet tall, with a bill as big as a boot, its wingspan can reach eight feet. This blue-gray “statue-like” bird resembles a creature from Alice or Wonderland, or possibly The Black Lagoon. It’s not just their alien looks, it’s their voices, too, that keep playmates chuckling. They moo like a cow, whine like a kid in a candy store, and clatter their bills during nesting season. How can we thank you for a million laughs?
Crocodiles are among the best predators and they don’t even have to train hard to get to that level! They are born fit, with great physical characteristics that allow them to be quick inside and outside the water. Their scales, called ‘scutes’, unattached to bone, are the reason why crocs are fast and flexible. That enviable greenish-brown skin color acts as camouflage while swimming and while tanning along the river banks. Prey basically jump into that toothy smile, and, thanks to their great night vision, they can indulge in late night cravings. They live the sweet life of predators with all the perks. Long story short: They are flexy and sexy and they know it.
CROCODILE IN ZAMBIA: PHOTO COURTESY OF HANS HILLEWAERT
5. MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
The Gerenuk
“Mr. Smarty Pants” 101: how to survive in the wild. He may not be the biggest or the fastest, but the top of the class is the gerenuk, known for a huge instinctual intelligence found in his surprisingly tiny head. Don’t let his size fool you. The gerenuk performs a feat few four-legged wild mammals can: He balances on two legs with a human-like stance, stretches his “giraffe neck” and reaches for the stars… er… green plants he needs to survive. Though gerenuks aren’t omniscient, add in panoramic vision, attuned ears and clever tactics for evading predators, and he comes pretty close. “All for one and one for all,” is his motto. His entire species help one another persevere. All gerenuks receive a graduation cap.
6. MOST LIKELY TO END UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
The Wild Dog
Don’t let the two-toned African wild or painted dog’s friendly looks deceive you. Yes, he’s family-centered. Yes, he likes to play. But, m
aybe too much? His idea of play is hunting for the fun of it, and passing on his hunting skills to his pups. His player attitude may help him to maintain his reputation of being the best hunter in the savannah, but it isn’t helping him maintain the species: he’s highly endangered. If his numbers are dwindling from top dog jealousy, his enemies should remember the saying, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”
Its couture fur, marked with rosettes, makes this animal the sexiest of the class. Smart is sexy and leopards just have that knowing spark that makes them successful in the wild. They have an opportunistic hunting behavior and a great ability to run at high speeds and climb trees; they rule the bush like a runway, with style and confidence. Leopards are elusive animals, and we all know that there’s nothing sexier than playing hard to get.
To show affection, the largest living terrestrial creatures lock trunks -- no mean feat since their snouts can weigh up to 400 pounds. Everything about them is large, making it tough to conceal PDA’s or just being in the room. Elephant brains are larger than any other land animal, too, so they never forget anything, especially Valentine’s Day. Their huge ears in the shape of Africa serve to cool them down (in steamy weather and otherwise). Big ears. Big minds. Big hearts. Big love!
